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To Be or Not to Be
 

 

Narrator:
Ladies and gentlemen, in the interest of clarity and sanity, the rest of this movie will not be in Polish.
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Lupinsky:
The comedian gets to play Hamlet. And, me, a serious actor, gets to play the First Off-Stage Nazi.
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Frederick Bronski:
[I]f I don't come back alive, I forgive you for whatever happened between you and Lieutenant Sobinski. But, if I do come back, you're in a lot of trouble!
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Col. Erhardt:
From now on, when in doubt, arrest them! Arrest them, arrest them, arrest them! Then, shoot them and interrogate them.
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Frederick Bronski:
[S]he's my wife! If there's any "I'll get her outta there!" those are my lines! I say that part!
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Frederick Bronski:
I tried to open a conversation with your friend in there. He seems to be slightly dead.
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Ratkowski:
You even drive like an understudy.
Dobish:
I'll take that from Bronski, not from you.
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Capt. Schultz:
Professor Siletski's on the phone.
Col. Erhardt:
Good . . . what?! Professor Siletski? You didn't tell him he was dead?
Capt. Schultz:
No.
Col. Erhardt:
Good.
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Frederick Bronski:
[L]et's rehearse the scene.
Dobish:
Alright, Heil Hitler.
Frederick Bronski:
Heil Hitler. Alright, I've got it.
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Lt. Andre Sobinski:
Heil Hitler!
Frederick Bronski:
Heil myself.
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Anna Bronski:
[I] don't mind my name in smaller print. I don't even mind it under the title, but in parentheses?!
Frederick Bronski:
I like it. It sets your name apart.
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Anna Bronski:
What did you do with Siletski's body?
Frederick Bronski:
Never mind Siletski's body! What did you do with Sobinski's body?!
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Ratkowski:
Remember, Bronski, you're playing for our lives.
Frederick Bronski:
Relax, I'll give the greatest performance I've ever given.
Ratkowski:
Don't . . . just be good.
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Lt. Andre Sobinski:
[I] believe you only fall in love once. And, when you do, you should dedicate your whole life to that person.
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Dobish:
What can we do?
Frederick Bronski:
We'll do what a theatrical company should do during a war: we'll hide until it's over.
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Frederick Bronski:
To be or not to be.
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Ravitch:
How did you get here?
Lupinsky:
I was born here.
Ravitch:
And, what made you decide to die here?
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Ravitch:
What happened? He's good tonight.
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Anna Bronski:
If we could find somebody to play Colonel Erhardt?
Lt. Andre Sobinski:
A good actor.
Anna Bronski:
A great actor.
Frederick Bronski:
A dead actor!
-----
Anna Bronski:
All these flowers, night after night, and on a Lieutenant's pay. He must be hopelessly in love with me.
Sasha Kinski:
Maybe his father's a florist.

CAST
Frederick Bronski (Mel Brooks)
Anna Bronski (Anne Bancroft)
Lt. Andre Sobinski (Tim Matheson)
Col. Erhardt (Charles Durning)
Capt. Schultz (Christopher Lloyd)
Ravitch (George Gaynes)
Ratkowski (George Wyner)
Dobish (Jack Riley)
Lupinsky (Lewis J. Stadlen)
Sasha Kinski (James Haake)
Narrator (Scott Beach)

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Copyright © 1997-2005 D.C. Douglas.
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Last Updated: 11/24/2005