| Dark Helmet: |
[N]ow you see that evil will always triumph,
because good is dumb. |
 |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this
happen in the movie?! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Now! You're looking at "now," sir. Everything
that happens now is happening "now." |
| Dark Helmet: |
What happened to "then?" |
| Col. Sandurz: |
We passed it. |
| Dark Helmet: |
When? |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Just now. We're at now "now." |
| Dark Helmet: |
Go back to "then." |
| Col. Sandurz: |
When? |
| Dark Helmet: |
Now. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Now?! |
| Dark Helmet: |
Now! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
I can't. |
| Dark Helmet: |
Why? |
| Col. Sandurz: |
We missed it. |
| Dark Helmet: |
When? |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Just now. |
| Dark Helmet: |
When will "then" be "now?" |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Soon. |
| Dark Helmet: |
How soon? |
| Spaceball: |
Sir! |
| Dark Helmet: |
What? |
| Spaceball: |
We've identified their location. |
| Dark Helmet: |
Where? |
| Spaceball: |
It's the moon of Vega. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Good work. Set a course and prepare for our
arrival. |
| Dark Helmet: |
When? |
| Spaceball: |
Nineteen-hundred hours. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Buy high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners. |
| Dark Helmet: |
Who?! |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
[W]ill we ever see each other again? |
| Yogurt: |
Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again
in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. |
| ----- |
| Yogurt: |
Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real
money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs:
the coloring book, Spaceballs: the lunch box, Spaceballs:
the breakfast cereal, Spaceballs: the flamethrower--the kids
love this one--last but not least, Spaceballs: the doll. |
| ----- |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Prepare ship for light speed! |
| Dark Helmet: |
No, no, no, light speed is too slow! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Light speed, too slow?! |
| Dark Helmet: |
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to . . .
ludicrous speed! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that
fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it. |
| Dark Helmet: |
What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken? |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
Let's get moving. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out. |
| Dark Helmet: |
What are you preparing?! You're always preparing!
Just go! |
| ----- |
| King Roland: |
The combination is: one . . . |
| Dark Helmet: |
One. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
One. |
| King Roland: |
Two . . . |
| Dark Helmet: |
Two. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Two. |
| King Roland: |
Three . . . |
| Dark Helmet: |
Three. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Three. |
| King Roland: |
Four . . . |
| Dark Helmet: |
Four. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Four. |
| King Roland: |
Five . . . |
| Dark Helmet: |
Five. |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Five. |
| Dark Helmet: |
So, the combination is: one, two, three, four,
five. That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my
life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his
luggage! |
| ----- |
| Spaceball Officer: |
You idiots! These are not them! You've captured
their stunt doubles! |
| ----- |
| Yogurt: |
I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power
known throughout the universe as the . . . |
| Barf: |
The force?! |
| Yogurt: |
No, da Schwartz! |
| ----- |
| Yogurt: |
Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence
of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt! |
|
| ----- |
| President Skroob: |
I'll be down immediately. |
| Cmdr. Zircon: |
Shall I have Snotty beam you down? |
| President Skroob: |
I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it
safe? |
| Cmdr. Zircon: |
Oh, yes. Snotty beamed me twice last night.
It was wonderful. |
| President Skroob: |
Alright, I'll take a shot at it. What the Hell,
it works on Star Trek. |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
Who made that man a gunner? |
| Maj. Asshole: |
I did, sir. He's my cousin. |
| Dark Helmet: |
Who is he? |
| Col. Sandurz: |
He's an Asshole, sir. |
| Dark Helmet: |
I know that. What's his name? |
| Col. Sandurz: |
That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole. |
| Dark Helmet: |
And his cousin? |
| Col. Sandurz: |
He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's Mate, First
Class, Philip Asshole. |
| Dark Helmet: |
How many Assholes we got on this ship, any
how? |
| Everyone: |
Yo! |
| Dark Helmet: |
I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep
firing, Assholes! |
| ----- |
| Princess Vespa: |
Yogurt, the wise. |
| Dot Matrix: |
Yogurt, the all-powerful. |
| Barf: |
Yogurt, the magnificent. |
| Yogurt: |
Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just
plain Yogurt. |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's
former roommate. |
| Lone Star: |
What does that make us? |
| Dark Helmet: |
Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about
to become. |
| ----- |
| Col. Sandurz: |
It's Megamaid. She's gone from suck to blow. |
|
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
Ludicrous speed . . . go! |
|
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
Come back you fat bearded bitch! |
|
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
Dim the lights. |
| Barf: |
Dimming the lights. |
| Lone Star: |
Go to infrared. |
| Barf: |
Going to infrared. |
| Lone Star: |
Pray to God. |
| Barf: |
Praying to God. |
| ----- |
| Barf: |
[I]t's not that we're afraid, far from it.
It's just that we got this thing about death, it's not us. |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
I was found on the doorstep of a monastery. |
| Princess Vespa: |
A monastery? Where? |
| Lone Star: |
Somewhere in the Ford galaxy. |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive! |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
[C]ommence operation: Vacusuck. |
|
| ----- |
| Barf: |
Any minute now the Spaceballs are gonna make
a major U-turn, head back this way and make us all dead! |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
We're not just doing this for money . . . we're
doing it for a sh**load-a-money! |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz
is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it. |
| ----- |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Lord Helmet! |
| Dark Helmet: |
What?! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
You're needed on the bridge, sir. |
| Dark Helmet: |
Knock on my door! Knock next time! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Yes, sir. |
| Dark Helmet: |
Did you see anything?! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your
dolls again. |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs:
The Movie? We're still in the middle of making it! |
| Col. Sandurz: |
That's true, sir. But, there's been a new breakthrough
in home video marketing. |
| Dark Helmet: |
There has? |
| Col. Sandurz: |
Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores
before the movie is finished. |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
Well, what have we got here. Will you look
at her. Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling
lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're
angry. |
| ----- |
| Princess Vespa: |
What are you? |
| Barf: |
I'm a Mawg: half-man, half-dog. I'm my own
best friend. |
| ----- |
| Yogurt: |
Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz! |
| ----- |
| Dark Helmet: |
I'll call Spaceball city and notify President
Skroob immediately. |
| Sgt. Reecho: |
I already called him, sir. He knows everything. |
| Dark Helmet: |
What?! You went over my helmet?! |
| Sgt. Reecho: |
Well, not exactly over, sir. M-more, more to
the side. |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
At last we meet, for the first time, for the
last time. |
| ----- |
| Yogurt: |
[M]ay the Schwartz be with you! |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
On this ship you are to refer to me as "idiot"
not "you captain!" I mean . . . you know what I mean. |
| ----- |
| Princess Vespa: |
Hey, I don't have to put up with this--I'm
rich! |
| ----- |
| Princess Vespa: |
I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, king
of the druids! |
| Lone Star: |
Oh, that's all we needed, a druish princess. |
| Barf: |
Funny, she doesn't look druish. |
| ----- |
| Pizza the Hutt: |
Well, if it isn't Lone Star and his sidekick,
Puke. |
| Barf: |
That's Barf. |
| ----- |
| Princess Vespa: |
Who are you? |
| Barf: |
Barf. |
| Dot Matrix: |
Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes. |
| ----- |
| Barf: |
It's not just a spaceship, it's a Transformer! |
| ----- |
| Lone Star: |
Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy tale is
over. Welcome to real life! |
| ----- |
| Barf: |
Nice dissolve. |
|
Advertisement