| Murray: |
A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance! |
| Oscar Madison: |
Wait a minute, will ya?! We don't even know
what kind! |
| Murray: |
What difference does it make?! He took a whole
bottle! |
| Oscar Madison: |
Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be
the healthiest one in the room! |
| ----- |
| Murray: |
A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram? |
| Oscar Madison: |
Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine
getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking,
I recognize my voice. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Don't point that finger at me unless you intend
to use it. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
You are not going anyplace until you take it
back. |
| Felix Unger: |
Take what back? |
| Oscar Madison: |
"Let it be on your head." What the Hell is
that, the curse of the cat people? |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Who wants food? |
| Murray: |
What do ya got? |
| Oscar Madison: |
I've got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches.
Which one do ya want? |
| Murray: |
What's the green? |
| Oscar Madison: |
It's either very new cheese, or very old meat. |
| Murray: |
I'll take the brown. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call
your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress. |
| ----- |
| Felix Unger: |
Funny, I haven't thought of a woman in weeks. |
| Oscar Madison: |
I fail to see the humor. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
You're not nothing, you're something! You're
a person! You're flesh, and blood, and bones, and hair, and
nails, and ears! You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo.
You're you! You walk, and talk, and cry, and complain, and
eat little green pills, and send suicide telegrams. No one
else does that, Felix, no one! |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you
want dinner?" I'd say, "I don't know, I'm not hungry." Then,
three o'clock in the morning I'd wake her up and say, "Now." |
| ----- |
| Roy: |
Listen, why don't we chip in three dollars
a piece and buy another window? How the Hell can you breathe
in here? |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
You leave little notes on my pillow. Told you
a-hundred-fifty-eight times I cannot stand little notes on
my pillow. "We are all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three
hours to figure out "F.U." was Felix Ungar. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
You can't spend the rest of your life crying,
it annoys people in the movies. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
I'm in for a quarter. |
| Murray: |
Aren't you going to look at your cards first? |
| Oscar Madison: |
What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Life goes on, even for those of us who are
divorced, broke, and sloppy. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
You've just been invited to spend the evening
in a two bedroom hothouse with the coo-coo Pigeon sisters!
What do you mean you're not going?! |
| ----- |
| Murray: |
For God's sake, do something. Say something. |
| Oscar Madison: |
What? What do you say to a man who's crying
in your bathroom? |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Why don't you live in a closet? I'll leave
your meals outside the door and slide in the newspapers. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
God help me. |
| Felix Unger: |
Never mind helping you!. Tell him to save my
meatloaf! |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
If you don't try, how ya gonna find out? |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Don't come to me with your petty problems.
You get this one stinking night a week. I'm cooped up here
with Mary Poppins twenty-four hours a day. |
| ----- |
| Speed: |
I can't stand a guy who's winning, who plays
with his chips! |
| Oscar Madison: |
This is my house, Vinnie. You wanna play with
your chips, you play with them, darling. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears
his seatbelt in a drive-in movie. |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Where ya going? |
| Felix Unger: |
To the John. |
| Oscar Madison: |
Alone? |
| ----- |
| Oscar Madison: |
Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because
it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner
takes home more pay than I do. |
| ----- |
| Felix Unger: |
Oh, my back! My back! |
|
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