| Brodie Bruce: |
One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass.
True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole
fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my
relatives and all. But, the next week, he did it again--difference
cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency
room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and
he's buying another cat. And, I says to him, "Jesus, Walt,
what are you doing?! You know you're just going to get
this cat stuck in your ass, too." And, he said to me,
"Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil
out?" |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
[W]hy can't they bring back or remake good shows . . .
like "B.J. and the Bear." Now there's a concept I can't
get enough of: a man and his monkey. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! |
 |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow when you
get the sex for free?" |
| T.S. Quint: |
She did? |
| Brodie Bruce: |
All the time. Course she became a lesbian on her 60th
birthday, but that's beside the point. |
| ----- |
| Gwen Turner: |
You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume
party when we were in high school. |
| T.S. Quint: |
You fu**ed Rick Derris on a pool table! With everyone
watching, no less! |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story.
He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of a sudden the
hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going
out of control. So, he decides it's all over and whips
it out and starts beating it right there. So, all the
other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping
it out and beating like mad. So, all the passengers are
beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all
of a sudden the hydraulics kick back in and the plane
rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their
pieces or whatever, you know, away and de-board. Nobody
mentions the phenomenon to anyone else. |
| Gil Hicks: |
Well, did he cum or what? |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't
talk about in public! |
|
| ----- |
| Shannon Hamilton: |
That's it. You're dead, mallrat! I am gonna fu** you up
beyond repair! |
| ----- |
| Gwen Turner: |
He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable once. |
| T.S. Quint: |
What like the back of a Volkswagen? |
|
| ----- |
| Jay: |
Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science
fair in eight grade by turning his mom's vibrator into
a C.D. player using chicken-wire and sh**. Mother-fu**er's
like MacGyver! No, mother-fu**er's better than MacGyver! |
| ----- |
| T.S. Quint: |
[S]he calls you callow in here. |
| Brodie Bruce: |
You say that like it's bad. |
| T.S. Quint: |
Well, it means frightened and week-willed. |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Really? Sh**, that was the only part of the letter that
I thought was complimentary. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her
fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee he
blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What
about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry
his child? |
| T.S. Quint: |
Sure, why not? |
| Brodie Bruce: |
He's an alien for Christ sake! His kryptonian biological
makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets
a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only
someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to
carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks
is with a kryptonite condom . . . that would kill them. |
|
| ----- |
| T.S. Quint: |
Oh yeah, look it's a sailboat. |
| Willam Black: |
You saw it, too?! Damn it! |
| T.S. Quint: |
What? |
| Willam Black: |
I've been staring at this thing for a week now--from opening
'til closing--and I can't see a Goddamn thing! |
| ----- |
| T.S. Quint: |
You're glowing. |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Look, if I have any kind of glow, it's because I just
got laid. I'd look the same if I banged anyone in that
elevator . . . present company excluded. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
You're going to listen to me? To something I said? Jesus,
man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure
of our friendship that I don't know sh**? I mean, half
the time I'm just talking out of my ass . . . or sticking
my hand in it. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
[L]ook at you. You're the kind of guy that would beg for
sex. I should know, we can smell our own. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
Snootchie bootchies! |
|
| ----- |
| Shannon Hamilton: |
I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda. |
| ----- |
| Silent Bob: |
Adventure, excitement? A Jedi craves not these things. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
I love the smell of commerce in the morning. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega. |
| ----- |
| Rene Mosier: |
I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your
birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the
theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay. When we were at
that hotel prom night, and you asked me to sleep underneath
the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And, even
when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told
most of my relatives that you could see her nipples though
her burial dress, I let it slide. If you think that I'm
gonna suffer anymore of your sh** with a smile now that
were broken up, you're in for some serious fu**ing disappointment! |
|
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Women: always leaving you when you just had the crap kicked
out of you. |
| ----- |
| Miss Ivannah: |
Understanding is reached only after confrontation. |
| ----- |
| T.S. Quint: |
I was going to propose to her. |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Where? |
| T.S. Quint: |
Universal tour. |
| Brodie Bruce: |
You're kidding, what part?! |
| T.S. Quint: |
When Jaws pops out of the water. |
| Brodie Bruce: |
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
Where do you get those wonderful toys? |
| ----- |
| Willam Black: |
Brenda? |
| Rene Mosier: |
Dick! |
| ----- |
| Tricia Jones: |
When are men going to learn that women want romance, not
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Be fair, alright, everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
The usual vault rules apply: touch not lest ye be toughed. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
Is he gone? |
| Brodie Bruce: |
Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock
and damage. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you. |
| ----- |
| Brodie Bruce: |
I'm tired of this whole thing. You're both retarded for
each other! |
 |
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