| Heather Chandler: |
Fu** me gently with a chainsaw. |
 |
| ----- |
| Heather Chandler: |
Grow up Heather, bulimia is so '87. |
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't
be a human being; you'd be a game show host. |
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
[M]y life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends. |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
Yeah, I don't really like your friends either. |
| ----- |
| Heather Chandler: |
You win five million dollars from the Publisher's sweepstakes
and the same day as that big Ed guy gives you the check,
aliens land on the Earth and say they're going to blow
up the world in two days. What do you do? |
| Country Club Keith: |
That's easy. I just slide that wad over to my father,
'cause he is like one of the top brokers in the state. |
| Country Club Courtney: |
If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless .
. . every cent. |
| ----- |
| Kurt's Dad: |
I love my dead, gay son. |
|
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
You might think what I've done is shocking. |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
Yeah, um, to me though suicide is the natural answer to
the myriad of problems life has given me. |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad." |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
This is the last thing she'll ever write. She's going
to want to cash in on as many 50 cent words as possible. |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Yeah, but she missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks
ago. |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
That only proves my point more. The word is a badge of
her failures at school. |
| ----- |
| Heather McNamara: |
Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa? |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Oh sure, Pilgrims, Indians . . . tater-tots. It's a real
party continent. |
| ----- |
| Heather Duke: |
Veronica, you look like Hell. |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Yeah, I just got back. |
| ----- |
| Father Ripper: |
We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio
know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their
problems--it's Jesus Christ . . . and he's in The Book. |
|
| ----- |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts
I dug up to plant at the scene. Alright, got an issue
of Stud Puppy . . . |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Great. |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
. . . a candy dish, Joan Crawford postcard, got, let's
see, some mascara. Alright, now here's the one perfecto
thing I picked up: mineral water. |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water. It's
come a long way. |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski
in your hand, you might as well be wearing a dress. |
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town. |
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
This may seem like a really stupid question. |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
There are no stupid questions. |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
You inherit five million dollars the same day aliens land
on the Earth and say they're going to blow it up in two
days. What do you do? |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard. |
| ----- |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
The extreme always seems to make an impression. |
| ----- |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
Pretend I blew up the school . . . all the schools. Now
that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life? |
| ----- |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
Thank you. That was my first game of strip croquet. |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
You're welcome. It's a lot more interesting than just
flinging off your clothes and boning away on a neighbor's
swing set. |
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
I'm gonna have to send my S.A.T. scores to San Quentin
instead of Stanford. |
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
I can't believe it. I just killed my best friend. |
| Jason "J.D." Dean: |
And, your worst enemy. |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Same difference. |
| ----- |
| Heather Chandler: |
Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? |
|
| ----- |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
Heather told me she teaches people real life. She said,
"Real life sucks losers dry. If you wanna fu** with the
eagles, you have to learn to fly." I said, "So, you teach
people how to spread their wings and fly?" She said, "Yes."
I said, "You're beautiful." |
| ----- |
| Veronica's Dad: |
Goddamn, won't somebody tell me why I read these spy novels? |
| Veronica Sawyer: |
'Cause you're an idiot. |
| Veronica's Dad: |
Oh yeah, that's it. |
| ----- |
| Heather McNamara: |
Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people
at my funeral. |
 |
