| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
From a marine in Da Nang: "Captain Hauk
sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls." I have no idea what
that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me. |
 |
| ----- |
| Radio Technician: |
We originally wanted Bob Hope. But, it turns
out he won't come. |
| Lt. Steven Hauk: |
Why not? |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
He doesn't play police actions, just wars.
Bob likes a big room, sir. |
| ----- |
| Sgt. Marty Lee Dreiwitz: |
Sir, these letters are unequivocal, e.g.: "Hey
Hauk, eat a bag of sh**! You suck!" That's pretty much to
the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one. |
|
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
[S]ometimes you've got to specifically go out
of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun. |
| ----- |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz. He's impeccably
clean. This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin.
He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you I'd think
about suicide. |
| ----- |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
God, it's warm, huh? |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Warm? No, this is a setting for London Broil. |
| ----- |
| Lt. Steven Hauk: |
Respectfully, sir, the former V.P. is a good
man, and a decent man. |
| Gen. Tayler: |
Bullsh**! I know Nixon personally. He lugs
a trainload of sh** behind him that would fertilize a Sinai.
Why I wouldn't buy an apple from the son-of-a-bitch and I
consider him a good close personal friend. |
| ----- |
| Gen. Tayler: |
Why son, the shadow of your ass would weigh
three pounds. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Good morning, Vietnam! |
|
| ----- |
| Sgt. Maj. Dickerson: |
That is humor. I recognize that. |
| ----- |
| Sgt. Maj. Dickerson: |
Do you see anything on this uniform indicating
an officer?! What does three up and three down mean to you?! |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
End of an inning? |
| ----- |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful
genius, if things are alright! |
| ----- |
| Lt. Steven Hauk: |
[D]on't say that the weather is the same all
the time here, because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees
cooler today than yesterday. |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Two degrees cooler . . . me without my muff. |
| ----- |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
My whole life passed before my eyes . . . and
it wasn't even interesting to me. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
[T]hat guy is as boring as whale sh**. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P. shouldn't
we keep the P.C. on the Q.T. 'cause if it leaks to the V.C.
he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P. |
| ----- |
| Sgt. Maj. Dickerson: |
I run this station by strict guidelines set
by military intelligence. |
| Gen. Tayler: |
Military intelligence . . . now there's a contradiction
in terms. |
| ----- |
| Lt. Steven Hauk: |
What the Hell was that? "Crappy weather?" "Sh***y
weather?" |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Comedy, sir. |
| Lt. Steven Hauk: |
"Comedy?" No, no, this is not comedy. Comedy
is funny, hysterical-type things. |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
"Hysterical-type things?" Airman Cronauer requesting
you elaborate, sir. |
| Lt. Steven Hauk: |
Antics, damnit! Comedy of error, like the Keystone
cops falling down. General wackiness like that. |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Falling down? That's a sight gag. How would
anyone see you fall down on the radio, sir? |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
The weather out there is hot and sh***y, with
continued hot and sh***y in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance
of continued crappy weather. A pissy weather front coming
down from the north. Basically it's hotter than a snake's
ass in a wagon rut. |
| ----- |
| Gen. Tayler: |
This is a tempest in a teacup, much ado about
nothing, for crying out loud man, this isn't brain surgery. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
What time is it, Edward? |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
It's five thirty. |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Five thirty? It's very early, I may have to
hurt you. |
| ----- |
| Sgt. Maj. Dickerson: |
[I]f you toy with me, I'll burn you so bad
you'll wish you died as a child. |
| ----- |
| Sgt. Maj. Dickerson: |
You better not get involved in anything. You
better not even come within range of anything that happens
or your ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower. |
| ----- |
| Gen. Tayler: |
Lieutenant, you don't know if you're shot,
fu**ed, powder burned, or snake bit. I don't care about polkas.
They're arriving in waves. We're bringing in thousands of
troops every month. Terrorism is on the up rise in Saigon.
The problems of this country have not one Goddamn thing to
do with whether you play polkas or don't play polkas! |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Hey, is it a little too early for being that
loud? Hey, too late. It's 0600. What's the "0" stand for?
Oh my God it's early! |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Here a little riddle for you. What's the difference
between the army and the cub scouts? Ahhhnnn. Cub scouts don't
have heavy artillery. |
| ----- |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
They want Cronauer back. He's an exhilarating
personality and polkas are just no substitute. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
[Y]ou could put amphetamine freaks to sleep
with this sh**. You got an agreement on Guam. Sound's like
bird droppings. Oh here's something exciting: Hubert Humphrey
visits Capital Hill. Sounds like a children's story. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs
that don't respond to strong drugs. |
| ----- |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
Sir, you're not funny. Ask around! |
| ----- |
| Sgt. Marty Lee Dreiwitz: |
Can you do me a favor? Can you say something
funny right this minute? |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
I doubt it. |
| ----- |
| Dan "The Man" Levitan: |
The card should be no more than four by five
inches and should describe the contents of your duffle. Major
Kliner requests that you do not describe your duffle, as all
duffles look alike. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
You are in more dire need of a blow job than
any white man in history. |
| ----- |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
Sir, I'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy.
It's not in your blood. |
| ----- |
| Airman Adrian Cronauer: |
Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight
and sound. He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarized
zone! |
| ----- |
| Jimmy Wah: |
Bamiah Ba beer, best beer in Vietnam. |
| P.F.C. Edward Garlick: |
Bamiah Ba beer, only beer in Vietnam. |
 |
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