| Loki: |
That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment
of organized religion. The Walrus, with his girth and
his good nature, he obviously represents either Buda,
or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha.
Now, that takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the
Carpenter, which is obviously a reference to Jesus Christ,
who was raised a carpenter's son. He represents the Western
religions. Now, in the poem, what do they do? What do
they do? They dup all these oysters into following them,
and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures
en mass. Now, I don't know what that says to you, but
to me it says that following these faiths, based on mythological
figures insures the destruction of ones inner-being. Organized
religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions,
by inhibiting our decisions, out of, out of fear of some
intangible parent figure that shakes a finger at us from
thousands of years ago and says, "Do it . . . do it and
I'll fu**in' spank you!" |
| ----- |
| Loki: |
You got to read at Sodom and Gomorrah. I had to do all
the work. |
| Bartleby: |
What work did you do? You lit a few fires. |
| Loki: |
I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference. |
| Bartleby: |
Oh, okay, I'm sure. |
| Loki: |
Hey, you know, fu** you man. Any moron with a pack of
matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an
endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting
activity one can engage in . . . next to soccer. |
| ----- |
| Rufus: |
Back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere.
Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? |
| ----- |
| Clinic Girl: |
You need to get laid, Bethany Slone. You need a man .
. . if only for ten minutes. |
| Bethany: |
It's been my experience that the average male is never
a man, not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. |
| Clinic Girl: |
That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of
joining the other side? |
| Bethany: |
Couldn't do it . . . women are insane. |
| Clinic Girl: |
Well then you have to go back to church and ask God for
a third option. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
[T]ell me something about me. |
| Rufus: |
You masturbate more than anyone on the planet. |
| Jay: |
So, fu**, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody
knows. |
| Rufus: |
When you do it, you're thinking about guys! |
| ----- |
| Serendipity: |
[I]t doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that
you have faith. |
| ----- |
| Loki: |
I've heard a rant like this before. |
| Bartleby: |
Don't you fu**ing do that to me. |
| Loki: |
You sound like the morning star. |
| Bartleby: |
You shut your fu**ing mouth! |
| Loki: |
You sound like Lucifer! Man, you've fu**ing lost it! You're
not talking about going home, Bartleby. You're talking
about fu**ing war on God. Well fu** that. I have seen
what happens to the proud when they take on The Throne. |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
Prepare to taste God's wrath! |
 |
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
She can rebuild you. She has the technology. She can make
you better, stronger, faster. |
|
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
I was dumped once. |
| Bethany: |
Don't you just constantly question your value, like why
was I so easy to cast aside? |
| Bartleby: |
And, you wonder if the other party will come to their
senses and call you back. |
| Bethany: |
And, they always tell you it will hurt less with time. |
| Bartleby: |
When actually it, uh, hurts more. |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
What's he like? |
| Metatron: |
God? Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier then the
faces you people make mid-coitus. |
| Bethany: |
Sex is a joke in Heaven? |
| Metatron: |
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here,
too. |
| ----- |
| Loki: |
Last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid.
We can do the next best thing. |
| Bartleby: |
What's that? |
| Loki: |
Well, let's kill people. |
| ----- |
| Cardinal Glick: |
[T]he first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW!" campaign
will unveil over the next year . . . I give you the Buddy
Christ. |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
Quit leering at me. People are going to think that I just
broke up with you. |
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion
when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're
speaking to me. Or, they're talking to themselves. |
| ----- |
| Gun Salesman: |
We call this piece the Fecalator--one look at it and the
target sh**s him or herself. |
| ----- |
| Loki: |
[I] can spot a commandment breaker from like a mile away.
Oh bet on it. |
| Bartleby: |
This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over that
bet about which was going to be the bigger movie: "E.T."
or "Krush Groove"? |
| Loki: |
Fu** you, 'cause time is gonna tell on that one. |
| ----- |
| Cardinal Glick: |
Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies. He
came to help us out. |
| ----- |
| Azrael: |
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than
central air. |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
I think God is dead. |
| Clinic Girl: |
The sign of a true Catholic. |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
You really are just a simple creature. |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
You're going to lead me somewhere. |
| Jay: |
Me lead you?! Lady, look at me. I don't even know where
the Hell I am half the time! |
| ----- |
| Rufus: |
[T]hat's just what the good people of Antioch were saying,
just before they stoned my ass. |
| Bethany: |
You were martyred? |
| Rufus: |
Well, that's one way of puttin' it. Another way is to
say I was bludgeoned to sh** by big fu**ing rocks! |
| ----- |
| Rufus: |
[B]asic strategy: if your enemies know where you are,
then don't be there. |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating
what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching
or staying on a bus. |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
[D]on't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. |
| ----- |
| Azrael: |
I've seen way too many Bond movies to know you never reveal
all the details of your plan, no matter how close you
may think you are to winning. |
| ----- |
| Loki: |
Whose house? Ron's house! I said whose house? Ron's house!
Whose house? Say what? Ron's house! Say what? Mar-tin! |
|
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you
blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie
and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar. |
| ----- |
| Loki: |
Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention
to detail never yielded positive results! |
| Bartleby: |
You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus. |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
[Y]ou're awfully nude. Rufus is it? |
| Rufus: |
Yes, Rufus it is. Uh, it's usually long Rufus, but it's
a little cold out here, you understand. |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
You have issues with Catholicism, I take it? |
| Serendipity: |
I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden
instead of a blessing like some Catholics. You people
don't celebrate your faith . . . you morn it. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
What the fu** is this sh**! Who the fu** are you, lady?!
Why the fu** did you hug my head?! |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
God's house? God doesn't live here anymore. He's grown
weary of your superficial faith. He's turned a deaf ear
to your lip service prayers. |
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty, and voice
of the one true God. |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
You know here's what I don't get about you: you know for
a fact that there is a God. You've been in his presence,
he's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you
claim to be an atheist. |
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence
would do well to cover their ears, right about . . . now. |
|
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
[F]or their insolence God decreed that neither Loki nor
Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise. |
| Bethany: |
Were they sent to Hell? |
| Metatron: |
Worse . . . Wisconsin . . . for the entire span of human
history. |
| ----- |
| Rufus: |
[T]his girl is no woman. |
| Bethany: |
Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to? |
| Serendipity: |
What these? You should know better than anyone at this
table that tits don't make a woman. |
| Rufus: |
Hell, the tubby coat wearing mother fu**er's got tits! |
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
Wax on. Wax off. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
Movies are fu**ing bullshit. |
| ----- |
| Bartleby: |
I really don't think a killing spree is going to make
things better for us! |
| ----- |
| Loki: |
Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with
. . . even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that
life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
You knew Christ? |
| Rufus: |
Knew him? Sh**, ni**er owes me 12 bucks! |
| ----- |
| Cardinal Glick: |
Fill those pews people! That's the key. Grab the little
ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. |
| Rufus: |
Kind of like the tobacco industry? |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
How do I know you're an angel? |
| Metatron: |
What, you mean aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive
wingspan? |
| ----- |
| Metatron: |
You people . . . if there isn't a movie about it, it's
not worth knowing, is it. |
| ----- |
| Bethany: |
What gear are you in? |
| Jay: |
Gear?! |
| ----- |
| Silent Bob: |
No ticket. |
| ----- |
| Azrael: |
He doesn't know how to make a Holey Bartender. |
 |
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