| Gen. Dreedle: |
When I want an answer from you, I will look
at you, which will be as seldom as possible. |
| ----- |
| Lt. Milo Minderbinder: |
I wanna serve this to the men. Taste it and
let me know what you think. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
What is it? |
| Lt. Milo Minderbinder: |
Chocolate covered cotton. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
What are you crazy?! |
| Lt. Milo Minderbinder: |
No good, huh? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
For Christ's sake, you didn't even get the
seeds out! |
| Lt. Milo Minderbinder: |
Is it really that bad? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
It's cotton! |
| ----- |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
Why aren't you wearing clothes, Captain? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
I don't wanna. |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
What do you mean, you don't want to? Why the
Hell don't you? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
I don't know. I just don't wanna. |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
Why isn't he wearing clothes? |
| Col. Korn: |
He's talking to you. |
| Col. Cathcart: |
Why isn't he wearing clothes, Major. |
| Maj. Major M. Major: |
Why isn't he wearing clothes, Sergeant. |
| Sgt. Towser: |
A man was kill in his plane over Avajon last
week and bled all over him. His clothes haven't come back
from the laundry yet. |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
Where are his other uniforms? |
| Sgt. Towser: |
They're in the laundry, too, sir. |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
Where is his underwear? |
| Sgt. Towser: |
In the laundry, sir. |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
That sounds like a lot of crap to me. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
It is a lot of crap, sir. |
| ----- |
| Maj. Major M. Major: |
Sergeant, from now on, I don't want anyone
to come in to see me while I'm in my office. Is that clear? |
| Sgt. Towser: |
Yes, sir. What do I say to people who want
to come in and see you while you're in your office? |
| Maj. Major M. Major: |
Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait. |
| Sgt. Towser: |
For how long? |
| Maj. Major M. Major: |
Until I've left. |
| Sgt. Towser: |
And then what do I do with them? |
| Maj. Major M. Major: |
I don't care. |
| Sgt. Towser: |
May I send people in to see you after you've
left? |
| Maj. Major M. Major: |
Yes. |
| Sgt. Towser: |
You won't be here then, will you? |
| Maj. Major M. Major: |
No. |
| ----- |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
There will be no more moaning from this outfit.
The next man who moans is going to be very sorry. |
| Maj. Danby: |
Ohhhhhhh. |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
Who is this man? |
| Col. Cathcart: |
Major Danby, sir. |
| Col. Korn: |
Danby. D-A-N-B-Y. |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
Take him out and shoot him. |
| Col. Cathcart: |
Sir? |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
I said, "take him out and shoot him." Can't
you hear? |
| Col. Cathcart: |
Yes, sir. Take Major Danby out and shoot him. |
| ----- |
| Capt. Dobbs: |
[S]uppose every one thought the same way you
do? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different. |
| ----- |
| Capt. "Doc" Daneeka, M.D.: |
There's a catch. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
A catch? |
| Capt. "Doc" Daneeka, M.D.: |
Sure, catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out
of combat isn't really crazy, so I can't ground them. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Okay, let me see if I got this straight. In
order to be grounded I've got to be crazy, and I must be crazy
to keep flying missions. But, if I ask to be grounded that
means I'm not crazy anymore, and I have to keep flying. |
| ----- |
| Capt. Orr: |
I've had to go down in the Mediterranean once.
Once in the Adriatic. Then I crash landed one plane, and I
bailed out once. |
| Capt. Chaplain Tappman: |
You're very lucky. |
| Capt. Orr: |
That's what some folks say. Yossarian says
they're gonna start taking it out of my salary. |
| ----- |
| Col. Cathcart: |
Sir, you have my word for it, this man will
be punished severely! |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
What the Hell do I care?! If he wants to receive
a medal without any clothes on, what the Hell business is
it of your?! |
| ----- |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
That's some catch, that catch-22. |
| Capt. "Doc" Daneeka, M.D.: |
It's the best there is. |
| ----- |
| Capt. Dobbs: |
You admit it! |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
I admit I'm being persecuted. |
| Capt. McWatt: |
Yeah? By whom? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
By them! |
| Capt. Dobbs: |
But, who specifically is "them"? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Every one of them! |
| Capt. Dobbs: |
Every one of who?! |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Every one of who do you think! |
| Capt. Dobbs: |
I haven't any idea! |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Then how do you know they aren't?! |
| ----- |
| Capt. Dobbs: |
Men don't fall in love with girls like that! |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
They always fall in love with girls like that. |
| Capt. Dobbs: |
Ehh, one or the other. |
| ----- |
| Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: |
I like you, Yossarian. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Listen Aardvark, I'd like to kill you, but
I haven't got time right now! |
| ----- |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
As I understand it, we're presenting these
men with medals for doing a lousy job. Is that right? |
| ----- |
| Capt. Nately: |
[I]t's better to die on your feet, than to
live on your knees. |
| Old Man: |
You have it backwards: it is better to live
on your feet, than to die on your knees. |
| ----- |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
Unless I miss my guess, Captain . . . you're
out of uniform. |
| ----- |
| Col. Cathcart: |
You're a disgrace to your country. I'd like
to know how you became a Captain anyway. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
You promoted me. |
| ----- |
| Capt. "Doc" Daneeka, M.D.: |
You can't let crazy people decide whether you
are crazy or not. |
| ----- |
| Gen. Dreedle: |
You're a very weird person, Yossarian. |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Thank you, sir. |
| ----- |
| Col. Korn: |
I think we have to keep our supernatural episodes
down to a minimum, what with a war to win, and all that. |
| ----- |
| Capt. Chaplain Tappman: |
How do you feel, Yossarian? |
| Capt. Yossarian: |
Fine . . . except I'm scared to death. |
| ----- |
| Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: |
That's the kind of humor in the face of adversity
that keeps America strong. |
 |
