| Col. Mustard: |
Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone? |
| Wadsworth: |
I don't know. He's on everyone else's, why
shouldn't he be on mine? |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
I'm merely a humble butler. |
| Col. Mustard: |
What exactly do you do? |
| Wadsworth: |
I buttle, sir. |
| Col. Mustard: |
Which means what? |
| Wadsworth: |
The butler is in charge of the kitchen and
dining room. I keep everything tidy. |
 |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
Professor Plum, you were once a professor of
psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal
lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. |
| Prof. Plum: |
Yes, but now I work for the United Nations. |
| Wadsworth: |
So, your work has not changed. |
| ----- |
| Miss Scarlet: |
I hardly think it will enhance your reputation
at the U.N. Professor Plum, if it's revealed that you have
been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients,
but in her death and the deaths of five other people. |
| Prof. Plum: |
You don't know what kind of people they have
at the U.N., I might go up in their estimation. |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
His license to practice has been lifted, correct? |
| Miss Scarlet: |
Why? What did he do? |
| Wadsworth: |
You know what doctors aren't allowed to do
with their lady patients? |
| Miss Scarlet: |
Yeah. |
| Wadsworth: |
Well, he did. |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets
left in that gun. |
| Miss Scarlet: |
Oh, come on. You don't think I'm gonna fall
for that old trick? |
| Wadsworth: |
It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr.
Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge
door, and one for the singing telegram. |
| Miss Scarlet: |
That's not six. |
| Wadsworth: |
One plus two plus two plus one. |
| Miss Scarlet: |
Un uh, there was only one shot that got the
chandelier, that's one plus two plus one plus one. |
| Wadsworth: |
Even if you're right, that would be one plus
one plus two plus one, not "one plus two plus one plus one." |
| ----- |
| Mrs. White: |
Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her
so much! It, it, the, it, flames, flames, flames . . . on
the side of my face. Breathing, breathless, heaving breaths,
heaving . . . |
|
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
[I]f you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy,
I did, in the hall, with the revolver. |
| ----- |
| Chief: |
Good evening, have you ever given any thought
to the Kingdom of Heaven? |
| Mrs. Peacock: |
What? |
| Chief: |
Repent. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. |
| Miss Scarlet: |
You ain't just whistling Dixie. |
| Chief: |
Armageddon is almost upon us. |
| Prof. Plum: |
I got news for you: it's already here. |
| ----- |
| Col. Mustard: |
There's still one thing I don't understand. |
| Mrs. White: |
One thing? |
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
[T]here's one thing I don't understand. |
| Prof. Plum: |
One thing? |
| ----- |
| Col. Mustard: |
Are you trying to make me look stupid in front
of the other guests? |
| Wadsworth: |
You don't need any help from me, sir. |
| ----- |
| Mrs. Peacock: |
Well, someone's got to break the ice and it
might as well be me, I mean, I'm used to being a hostess,
it's part of my husband's work and it's always difficult when
a group of new friends meet together for the first time to
get aquatinted, though I'm perfectly prepared to start the
ball rolling, I mean, I, I have absolutely no idea what we're
doing here or what I'm doing here or what this place is about,
but I am determined to enjoy myself, and very intrigued, and
oh my this soup's delicious isn't it? |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
Why would anyone want to kill him twice? |
| Miss Scarlet: |
It seems so unnecessary. |
| Col. Mustard: |
It's what we call overkill. |
| Prof. Plum: |
It's what we call a psychotic. |
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't
he just report us to the authorities? |
| Wadsworth: |
He decided to put his information to good use
and make a little money out of it. What could be more American
than that? |
| ----- |
| Col. Mustard: |
Just checking. |
| Mrs. White: |
Everything alright? |
| Col. Mustard: |
Yep. Two corpses, everything's fine. |
|
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
I was going to expose you. |
| Wadsworth: |
I know, so I choose to expose myself. |
| Col. Mustard: |
Please, there are ladies present. |
|
| ----- |
| Mrs. Peacock: |
What are you all staring at? |
| Mr. Green: |
Nothing. |
| Mrs. Peacock: |
Well, who's there? |
| Col. Mustard: |
Nobody. |
| Mrs. Peacock: |
What do you mean? |
| Wadsworth: |
Nobody. No body! That's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's
body, it's gone! |
| ----- |
| Mrs. White: |
Life after death is as improbable as sex after
marriage. |
| ----- |
| Col. Mustard: |
How did you know that? |
| Wadsworth: |
Can you keep a secret? |
| Col. Mustard: |
Yes. |
| Wadsworth: |
So can I. |
| ----- |
| Col. Mustard: |
Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there
is nobody else in this house? |
| Wadsworth: |
No. |
| Col. Mustard: |
Then there is someone else in this house? |
| Wadsworth: |
No, sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes." |
| Col. Mustard: |
"No" meaning "yes"? Look, I want a straight
answer, is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no? |
| Wadsworth: |
Um, no. |
| Col. Mustard: |
No, there is, or no, there isn't? |
| Wadsworth: |
Yes. |
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
[I]t is political, you're a communist! |
| Miss Scarlet: |
No, Mr. Green. Communism is just a red herring.
Like all members of the oldest profession, I'm a capitalist. |
| ----- |
| Prof. Plum: |
[I]s the F.B.I. in the habit of cleaning up
after multiple murder? |
| Wadsworth: |
Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called
Hoover? |
| ----- |
| Miss Scarlet: |
Why is the car stopped? |
| Prof. Plum: |
It's frightened. |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
It's like the Mounties: "We always get our
man." |
| Mr. Green: |
Mrs. Peacock was a man? |
|
| ----- |
| Mrs. White: |
[I]t's a matter of life after death. Now that
he's dead, I have a life. |
| ----- |
| Mrs. White: |
Husbands should be like Klenex--soft, strong,
and disposable. |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
And, to make a long story short . . . |
| Col. Mustard: |
Too late. |
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
Will you stop that?! |
| Wadsworth: |
No! |
| ----- |
| Mrs. White: |
He had threatened to kill me in public. |
| Miss Scarlet: |
Why would he want to kill you in public? |
| Wadsworth: |
I think she meant, he threatened, in public,
to kill her. |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to
you how I did it? |
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
Let us in! Let us in! |
Col. Mustard and
Miss Scarlet: |
Let us out! Let us out! |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
[M]onkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese
cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C. |
| Mr. Green: |
Is that what we ate? |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and
die. |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
Don't deny it. |
| Mrs. White: |
What do you mean, "don't deny it"? I'm not
denying anything. |
| Wadsworth: |
Another denial. |
| ----- |
| Wadsworth: |
Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn. |
| ----- |
| Mr. Green: |
I had to stop her from screaming. |
|
