| Randal Graves: |
People dictate their own behavior. |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with
the customers and I have to patch everything up, you get us
thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse, and then
to top it off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your
encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring
sugar in my gas tank? |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
Theoretically, people see money on the counter,
and no one around, they think they're being watched. |
| Veronica: |
Honesty through paranoia. |
| ----- |
| Silent Bob: |
[T]here's a million fine looking women in the
world, dude. But, they don't all bring you lasagna at work.
Most of 'em just cheat on you. |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
I'm not even supposed to be here today. |
 |
| ----- |
| Customer: |
Cute cat. What's its name? |
| Randal Graves: |
Annoying customer. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
Salsa shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa, shark's in the salsa. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
People say crazy sh** during sex. One time
I called this girl "Mom." |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire
Strikes Back?" |
| Dante Hicks: |
"Empire." |
| Randal Graves: |
Blasphemy. |
| Dante Hicks: |
"Empire" had the better ending. Luke gets his
hand cut off, finds out Vader is his father, uh, Han gets
frozen, taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note.
I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All
"Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing
out the shortcomings of others, is there? |
|
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
I could do without the people in the video
store. |
| Dante Hicks: |
Which ones? |
| Randal Graves: |
All of them. |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than
slave wages, working on my day off, the steel shutters are
closed, I deal with every backward-assed fu** on the planet,
I smell like shoe polish, my ex-girlfriend is catatonic after
fu**ing a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked thirty-six
dicks. |
| Randal Graves: |
Thirty-seven. |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
You hate people! |
| Randal Graves: |
But, I love gatherings, isn't it ironic? |
| ----- |
| Caitlin Bree: |
I'm offering you my body, and you're offering
me semantics. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
This job would be great if it wasn't for the
fu**ing customers. |
| ----- |
Caged Animal
Masturbator: |
It's important to have a job that makes a difference,
boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial
insemination. |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
You ever notice that all the prices end in
nine? Damn, that's eerie. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
She'll get over fu**in' a dead guy. Sh**, my
Mom's been fu**in' a dead guy for thirty years--I call him
Dad. |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
My friend here is trying to convince me that
any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted
Death Star, were innocent victims when they were destroyed
by the Rebels. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
[C]aitlin, break his heart again this time,
and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
No time for love, Dr. Jones. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. |
| Indecisive Customer: |
I beg your pardon? |
| Randal Graves: |
Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
You'd feel a Hell of a lot better if you'd
just rip into the occasional customer. |
| ----- |
| Jay: |
Tonight, were gonna rip off this fu**er's head,
and take out his fu**ing soul. |
| ----- |
| Dante Hicks: |
[T]ry not to suck any dick on the way to the
parking lot! |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a
ruling class. Especially since I rule. |
| ----- |
| Randal Graves: |
I know I'm your hero. |
|
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