| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
What did you expect? "Welcome sonny," "Make
yourself at home," "Marry my daughter." You've got to remember,
that these are just simple farmers, these are people of the
land, the common clay of the new west. You know . . . morons. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Who is this Mongo, anyway? |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who," he's more
of a "what." |
| ----- |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in
a rustic setting like this? |
| ----- |
| Gov. William J. Le Petomane: |
Work, work, work. Work, work, work. Work, work,
work. Hello boys, have a good night's rest, I missed you. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Are we awake? |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
We're not sure. Are we black? |
| Bart: |
Yes we are. |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Then we're awake, but we're very puzzled. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about "where
the choo-choo go"? |
| Mongo: |
Don't know. Mongo only pawn in game of life. |
 |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade
to stamp-out runaway decency in the west. Now, you will only
be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost
certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
There might be legal precedent! Of course,
Landsnatching . . . land, land, Land, see Snatch. Ah, Hailie
vs. United Sates. Hailie: 7, United States: nothing. You see,
it can be done! |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
I want rustlers, cutthroats, murders, bounty
hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits,
dimwits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican
bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglars,
horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers,
sh**-kickers, and Methodists! |
| ----- |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Where you headed, cowboy? |
| Bart: |
Nowhere special. |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
"Nowhere special." I always wanted to go there. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
What's your name? |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Well, my name is Jim. But, most people call
me . . . Jim. |
| ----- |
| Taggart: |
I know how we can run everyone out of Rock
Ridge. |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
How? |
| Taggart: |
We'll kill the first born male child in every
household. |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Too Jewish. |
| ----- |
| Olson Johnson: |
Our fathers came across the prairie. Fought,
Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix. Remember
when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this
town. |
| ----- |
| Taggart: |
Send a wire to the main office, and tell them
that I said . . . OW! |
| Lyle: |
Send wire, main office, tell them I said, "ow."
Gotcha. |
| ----- |
| Gov. William J. Le Petomane: |
Holy underwear! |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success
in this town. |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Gee, in another twenty-five years you'll be
able to shake their hands in broad daylight. |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow.
Here's your badge. |
| Mexican Bandit: |
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges! |
|
| ----- |
| Gov. William J. Le Petomane: |
Affairs of State, must take precedent over the Affairs
of State. |
| ----- |
| Rev. Johnson: |
Now, I don't have to tell you good folks, what
has been happening here in our beloved little town: sheriff
murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and
cattle raped. |
| ----- |
| Mongo: |
Mongo like candy. |
|
| ----- |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
No, no, don't do that, don't do that. If you
shoot him, you'll just make him mad. |
| ----- |
| Howard Johnson: |
As the chairman of the Welcoming Committee,
it is my privilege to extend a laurel, and hearty handshake
to our new . . . n****r. |
| ----- |
| Howard Johnson: |
You know, Nietzsche says, "Out of chaos comes
order." |
| Olson Johnson: |
Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard. |
| ----- |
| Townsperson: |
Mongo! Santa Maria! |
|
| ----- |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
I got a note this morning. |
| Bart: |
From who? |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Well, I'm not sure. It was addressed to "The
Deputy Spade." |
| Bart: |
Well, once I establish myself in this here
town, Deputy Spade might turnout to be a groovy position. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
What is it, that's not exactly water, and it
ain't exactly earth? |
| Bart and Charlie: |
Quicksand!!! |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Excuse me while I whip this out. |
|
| ----- |
| Bart: |
You know, a man drinks like that and he don't
eat, he is going to die. |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
When? |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
My mind is a-glow with whirling transient nodes
of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention. |
| Taggart: |
Ditto! |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets
of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. |
| Taggart: |
Gal-darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue
prettier than a 20-dollar whore. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Well, can't you see that's the last act of
a desperate man? |
| Howard Johnson: |
We don't care if it's the first act of Henry
V, we're leaving! |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Need any help? |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Oh . . . all I can get. |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Alright, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar, the
time has come to act and to act quickly. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
[W]hy you do that to yourself? |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Ah, you don't really want to know that. |
| Bart: |
I do, I do. |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
Well, if you must pry. |
| Bart: |
I must, I must. |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Where's my froggy?! Where's my froggy?! |
|
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Daddy loves froggy. Froggy love daddy? |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Oh Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily, legs, Lily, Lily. |
|
| ----- |
| Taggart: |
What in the wide, wide world of sports's a-goin'
on here?! |
| ----- |
| Charlie: |
Am I wrong, or is the world rising? |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Sir, you have the seeds of greatness in you.
Nurse them, caress them, poor water on them. |
| ----- |
| Taggart: |
Piss on you. I'm working for Mel Brooks! |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Oh, baby. You are so talented. And, they are
so dumb. |
| ----- |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Gentlemen, please. Rest your sphincters. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Well, raise my rent. |
| ----- |
| Lyle: |
Dock that chink a day's pay for napping on
the job. |
| ----- |
| Jim: The Waco Kid: |
I must of killed more men than Cecil B. De Mille. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Go for your gun. |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Wait, wait, wait. I'm unarmed. |
| Bart: |
Alright, we'll settle this it men, with our
fists. |
| Hedley Lamarr: |
Sorry, I just remembered . . . I am armed. |
| ----- |
| Bart: |
Well, don't just sit there, looking stupid,
grasping your hands in pain. How about a little applause for
the Waco Kid. |
 |
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